“I wish I wanted to go to the gym every day.”
“I WANT to want to have sex with my husband more.”
I’ve heard these two secret wishes a lot from my friends and clients lately.
We all have dreams, goals, desires, and life cravings.
93% of people, polled by the American Psychological Association, have some aspect of their behavior that they want to change.
And most of our goals involve improving our health, body, confidence, sleep, relationships, finances…
If so many of us want to change, in such basic, important ways, why do less than half of us maintain the changes we attempt?
Why is change so hard?
Most of us blame lack of willpower when we fall short of our goals.
Many of us blame a lack of time, or not enough money when we don’t go for it.
I believe it really comes down to the clarity of your wants, the strength of your desire, the reasons for your craving.
There are two kinds of motivation, and one is more powerful than the other.
External motivation is when we try something to earn a reward or avoid a punishment: dropping a size so we can fit into the skinny jeans, getting a raise so you can buy the new car, going to the gym every day so we don’t get heart disease…some day.
External motivation might be enough to get you started, but it’s not enough to keep you going.
Internal motivation is the secret sauce.
Internal motivation is when you fall in love with an activity because it is rewarding to your body, life, and soul. It lights you up and makes you come alive:
It’s when you go to yoga every week because it makes you glow and feel alive.
It’s when you play a game because it really excites you.
It’s when you love your work so much you would do it for free.
It’s when you put down your phone before dinner and don’t use it all night so you can be with your honey, which brings you the intimacy and juicy fun you crave.
Here’s an exercise you can use right now to get motivated from within, and have real, lasting change:
It’s called WANTING WHAT YOU WANT TO WANT (AKA: WWYWTW).
Getting specific about your desires, setting clear goals, stating your intentions –
these are all important strategies to follow. You need a map to know where you’re going, right?
But defining a goal or desire is really clarifying “what you want.”
What do you want to be MORE motivated to do?
Or: what do you want to want?
It might sound like this: (a few examples from my own and my clients lives)
I want to want to exercise so much that it’s naturally a part of every day.
I want to want to eat green vegetables!
I want to want to go to sleep at 10 every night so I’m well rested.
This can extend to dating, relating, career, and more:
I want to want to share my paintings online…
I want to want to date so that I get out there and finally meet some cool people…
I want to want to have sex with my partner more so that we feel more connected…
I want to want to start my own coaching practice so strongly that I finally sign up for that program that would really get me started…
Right now, pick one thing you WANT to want more.
Once you’ve got one good thing that you WANT to WANT, do this:
come up with a few things that would make you want that more.
If you want to want to go to yoga twice a week, you might say:
…if I went with a friend and we had a tea date after.
…if I knew the teacher was great and played good music.
…if I had a new yoga outfit that made me feel comfortable and cute.
If you want to want to have more juicy, sexy time with your partner, you might think:
if we both put our phones and gadgets away before dinner and keep them off…
if we sat together and shared our fantasies in a safe, loving way with no agenda…
if we spent an hour apart, focusing on our own self-pleasure first, to get ready…
if I got my favorite erotica book, and he watched something that turns him on first…
That would put you into the zone of actually wanting.
Your intrinsic motivation will blossom.
You will come act, make headway, and come alive.
This positive psychology technique can help you identify strategies that boost your intrinsic, personal, soul-driven motivation.
Once you have really good reasons for WHY you want to want a new activity, food, or habit, you’ll follow through for yourself.
Confidence blooms, action is sustained, mountains move.
So now I want to hear from you:
In the comments below, share the thing you want to want.
Get clear about your desires and life cravings and WHY you might want to want them as a lovely way to grow you motivation.
I’d love to read your thoughts and desires!