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172 Stephen Cope Replay: Humor + Soul Friends


Hi, I’m Alex!

If you need a little help to start playing by your own rules, there’s a few ways we can work together more closely.




On the show today, Alex talks to one of her favorite new authors, Stephen Cope, about those relationships that have meaning. Stephen, a sweet and lovely man, is a Social Worker and a Scholar in Residence at Kripalu, an incredible Retreat Centre on the East Coast, which is also the largest yoga research institute in the western world. Stephen is a Kripalu Ambassador and he’s also the author of some great best-selling books, including Yoga And The Quest For The True Self and The Wisdom Of Yoga. His latest book is called Soul Friends- The Transforming Power Of Deep Human Connection and it looks at relationships and friendships in life and helps you to understand how you become who you are, in relation to your friends. Stephen gives some great historical examples and some personal stories too. Listen in today and find out more about discovering yourself in relationship to other people.



Music Credit: My good friend Lindsay Katt –

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Show Notes:

  • How our friendships help us grow into our highest, truest selves.
  • Containment relationships and their real value.
  • Primary Maternal Preoccupation- and what that creates in terms of the security of the baby.
  • The baby can develop within the security of the crucible of its relationship with its primary caregiver.
  • Most of us don’t get the full experience of being safely held and soothed.
  • We have a need for reparative experiences throughout life, no matter how well it went at the beginning.
  • Stephen’s own feelings of being safely held and soothed mostly came from his maternal grandmother.
  • In times of need or breakdown, we tend to evoke the very real memory of profoundly being felt.
  • How you can make friends and find those people that you need.
  • Chemistry does not only exist in romantic relationships, but also in friendships.
  • Desperation can be the death knell of finding friends.
  • Twinship – the thrill of co-creating yourself with a sense of reciprocity and joining (often in adolescence). – It’s a lot like falling in love.
  • Twinship can allow for those quiet spaces for you to safely develop yourself.
  • The Noble Adversary – someone in your life for you to push against.
  • Stephen’s Noble Adversary while growing up and the really valuable lessons that he learned from her.
  • We’re often tempted to turn away from the Noble Adversary.
  • There is a fear of being ousted from the group and how this can cause people to go against themselves for acceptance, particularly amongst women.
  • Stephen’s antidote to the need for group acceptance- the development of solid dyadic relationships.
  • Feeling sadness in your body- how the body holds onto emotions like grief.
  • We get stuck in grief until we learn how to allow it through.



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